Inevitably
by FallenBleedingAngel
Summary: Life was tiring. More so when your name was Sawada Tsunayoshi and you ran a Mafia. (Or Tsuna's thoughts on what his life became, with some resolution) Cross-posted on Ao3 Alludes to depression


KHR - Inevitably

Inspired by Irony sang by the ever wonderful Lizz on Youtube. Definitely listen to it while reading this (if you'd like).

" _I feel that walking has become another chore,_

 _I don't think I can go on walking anymore._

 _Forgive me for those words I know they're but a cliché to you,_

 _But life is tiring my feet are feeling sore."_

Tsuna was tired.

It was bone deep and made him world weary – as if he could never get enough sleep.

At the young age of 24, Tsuna had never imagined that he would end up running a Mafia.

He rubbed his shoulders and slightly grimaced.

Hours of endless paperwork had certainly taken their toll, his hands familiarly ached and he knew they would be sore tomorrow.

He yawned and looked longingly towards the couch in his office.

Absently he played with a black pen off to the side of his desk, ignoring his paperwork.

" _**I wish I could have a vacation."** _ Tsuna remembered saying.

" _ **Mafia bosses don't get vacations Dame-Tsuna."**_ Reborn's voice rang in his head, as he remembered the last time he'd talked to the lurking man.

His mouth curved into a warm smile; remembering, cherishing the small amount of time he was able to spend alone with his dearest people - then abruptly he winced as he felt a cough rack his body.

" _I wish that I could have a bit of time,_

 _to heal the ache that's growing stronger all the time._

 _But I know time stops for nobody,_

 _let alone me,_

 _and so I go – inevitably."_

As long as he could remember there was an ache in his chest.

An cavity only filled with regrets and _if only I'd done something different_.

Sometimes this ache made him want to curl up and rest for a long time.

As if time and the world would suddenly stop and cater to his mental and emotional needs.

The mafia world was cut throat - the slightest weakness was blood in the middle of a shark frenzy.

But if only in the relative safety of his mind, he acknowledged the truth.

 **I'm always so tired now. I wish everything could just stop.**

" _Whenever things are going rather happily,_

 _it turns out life is just playing a trick on me,_

 _It's slightly shameful to admit the truth;_

 _I end up in tears_

 _and so returns the same old melancholy."_

Some would say Tsuna's life philosophy was a strange one.

"Prepare for the worst, and hope for the best. Even if the horrors of life threaten to overtake everything, as long as you have hope - you can put anything back together."

It wasn't a secret that Tsuna loved when his friends and family were happy, maybe that was why something always tried to ruin it.

He'd grumble as always, but he'd do anything if at the end of the day they all had smiles on their faces and love in their hearts.

His Guardians had in different ways, almost been broken by the cruelty of the world.

So, he put it upon himself to be everything he could be to them.

Loving, cherishing, smiling, comforting, cheerful, _understanding_.

He would do anything for them, but sometimes a little voice spoke up and wondered, " **What about me?** "

He always locked it away.

 **Tsuna couldn't afford to be so selfish, not when his family needed him they way they did.**

" _I miss when life was just simplicity,_

 _and misery wasn't always chasing after me."_

Tsuna dreamed of simpler times.

Waking up exasperated at Reborn's torturous methods.

The never ending throws of grenades and his Kaa-chan's cooking.

The light smiles of his Guardians, youthful and not understanding the full weight of being the Decimo's Familga.

 **His missed it with such a vigor - it surprised him.**

He missed when his worries were only getting through his homework and Reborns' tutoring.

When his Guardians could act like the children they were and didn't have to worry about death at every corner.

" _It's pretty obvious now I should've left my regret_

 _but I held on to it so foolishly._

 _Maybe I overreact a bit,_

 _It hasn't destroyed me yet has it?"_

Another day spent, he sat in his office chair and returned to the endless paperwork.

The longer Tsuna remained in the Mafia, a small part of him wished he never joined.

He knew he would never tell anyone.

How could he, when it gave him everything he could've asked for?

 **Yet, the regret still lingered.**

But he would push on – until the day he could no longer.

" _But everything I desire is always just too far to get_

 _Honestly, it's just me, brainlessly, so silly,_

 _Always hoping for good to be."_

Tsuna wondered what his dream before becoming a Mafia boss had been.

He could no longer exactly remember what he'd wanted to do with his life before.

He didn't remember his old dreams, his old passions.

It had seemed a life time ago that he'd been but a teen dragged into the insane clutches of Vongola.

The Mafia had changed him, and so his dream changed too.

He no longer dreamed of the whatever he'd dreamed – he hoped for the good of humanity.

He dreamed of days where there would be no bloodshed, where people didn't fear the Mafia.

Where he and his dearest treasures had engulfed the Mafia in light.

Where they showed everyone that life could be better – if they all worked together.

" _If that's the case then just hear my plea,_

 _Pick me up and drop me into unfaltering sleep._

 _You say to look hard for a solution, but wouldn't that depend on the person?_

 _So I could never, no I could never, believe a word anyone says."_

More often than not, Tsuna started wishing he could just sleep a bit longer.

He craved peace – craved a way to let all his heavy problems dissipate from his mind.

He dreamed and dreamed. Planned and talked, smiled and showed hope to all who were willing to see.

But sometimes it was so heavy – all of the smiling, the being happy, the pretending _I'mnottiredatallnottired_ _ **Ireallywanttogotosleep**_ _._

He felt that one day the weight of his dreams would surely break his back.

But he pretended he didn't notice – because it was **his** dream, and everyone was depending on him.

His Guardians were strong, but they all looked to him.

And so life continued for him – all the while he ignored the heaviness on his shoulders and the weariness in his body – the small flame of regret in his mind.

" _I know that everyone has their hardships,_

 _It's fairly clear to me that I'm not alone,_

 _But how is it that they can just leave them?_

 _I just don't know at all."_

The people who knew Tsuna would usually say a dark thought never crossed his mind for long.

That in those moments he would just remind himself of his _dream –_ and then everyone's world would right itself.

Dreams took so much and gave so little.

Wasn't it better to simply think _One day it'll be better, maybe tomorrow?_

At the very least, it was what forced Tsuna into getting up in the morning.

" _Often I'm told I need to clean up my act_

 _Although maturity is something I lack_

 _And so when some simple little problems arise,_

 _I overthink them, over and over again."_

When people saw Tsuna they saw one of two things, either the picture of young maturity or a naive little lamb that was shielded from the **real** Mafia.

Those people always left with their minds changed and a little hope or morose curiosity ledged in their head.

Tsuna would admit – in his youth he lacked many things. Maturity took a life time to grow, so it was a surprise to see it in himself. Undoubtedly it was the life threatening experiences – the Mafia was built off of them.

Yet, sometimes he slipped into old thought patterns and internally panicked – not that many people could tell, he had been trained by Reborn after all.

" _It seems that the world is just a troublesome place,_

 _So, Sometimes I think that I should just end the pain._

 _'You're sick aren't you dear?_

 _I'm sick of the tears.'_

 _Why can't everything just end simply?"_

As much as Tsuna hoped and dreamed – and got closer to making some of those dreams reality, he knew he'd by lucky if he didn't end up dead in the next month.

It was a miracle of miracles that Nono had lived as long as he had, for that he was respected – and duly feared.

It was a childish and naive hope to wish that he could die of old age, or even of sickness. To hope that he could love another and raise a family.

A boss like him could only hope to die in battle or by assassination. More so him than any other – it was unwritten law for people that changed the Mafia.

" _Everything I aspire to be is nothing that will become of me,_

 _If my expectations are too far fetched than just what am I to do?_

 _Give a sign, give a sign,_

 _A reason not to die,_

 _Give me a chance to prove my worth."_

Back then all he'd wanted was a chance.

It stuck to him all the years that passed.

 **A chance.**

He wanted to be worthy.

He needed to be worthy of something.

But truly, what was he worthy of?

He was just trying (and **failing** a part of him said)to change the world, surely people like him weren't worth much?

" _I constantly search for a place to cry,_

 _Why won't these tears just stop pouring from my eyes?"_

 _It's hard to constantly to think of the same things,_

 _It's just unnecessary to think too much."_

He didn't want to think of what would happen if he failed.

If he, for the slightest moments showed too much weakness.

If everyone put their hopes on him only for him to die too early – they would fall after him and his enemies would be all too happy to end their lives.

It was worthless to have those thoughts in his mind, and yet they haunted him.

Taunted him.

He had to be better – not for himself, but for them.

 **All for them.**

 **Their smiles and happiness.**

 **No matter what happened to him in the end.**

 _You always told me stars would guide me back home,_

 _although they only show at night._

 _You've always showed me so much kindness,_

 _I don't deserve it, I have failed you too much._

 _I think my tiny heart is going to split,_

 _just leave it be for now."_

Tsuna's heart ached and longed for the first person to ever put their hopes on him.

Nana's hopes had never been too heavy – always showing so much kindness to the her son that everyone had forsaken and called worthless.

" **Be happy Tsu-kun."**

" **Eat lots and grow big!"**

" **Don't worry about what happens – no matter what, Mama will be happy that she has her Tsu-kun."**

Tearing up slightly he remembered the day before he left for Italy.

" **Kaa-chan, are you going to be okay here alone?"**

" **Oh Tsu-kun, I think I'm old enough to be by myself, Ne?**

 **Mama's so proud of you Tsu-kun, all I've ever wanted was for you too be happy.**

 **Go and be happy for me would you?"**

 **Tsuna laughed, "Of course Kaa-chan, I'll always be happy for you."**

" _Step back from me,_

 _Please leave me be,_

 _This so deceitful road that I stumble on is never going to end._

 _It's getting difficult to maneuver, and it's just worthless to try and run away."_

On the odd days where he wasn't busy with meetings he sat in his office and thought about running away.

Away from everything.

The stress, the responsibility, his hopes, _his dreams_.

But then he'd be running away from the very people that helped him create those dreams.

Away from their lives – and Tsuna couldn't do that.

" _So I'll hold my hands over my ears and block out all this noise._

 _How can I live not knowing what life is?_

 _Sometimes my dreams seem to be more realistic._

 _Obviously I can't be called happy,_

 _Then what am I after all?_

Tsuna didn't know what a normal life was.

At times he longed for it, and questioned why his life had to be the crazy one.

Tsuna grumbled and let out a cough laying his forehead on the desk – he had to get sick now didn't he?

Tsuna sighed, _No wonder he'd been so melancholy so lately._

In his fever addled mind one thought planted itself with all the strength of Tsuna's dying will.

His happiness didn't matter much.

It was Tsuna's was selfish wish – he could never wish his life upon someone else, he could never give up his treasures and stop making them happy.

When the end of the day came – undoubtedly he would be tired, but they all made it worth it.

When the end of his life came, whether it was from old age, or dying at the hand of an enemy he would take solace in the fact that he'd done the best he could – that he'd made them happy just **being him.**

 **It was all he could hope for – all he could ever ask.**


End file.
